JDRipper24

After my apetite went back (with a vengeance), my circadian rythm got fucked. I guess my body is just too stubborn adjust to a healthy lifestyle. And my lifestyle is far from healthy; because yes, my apetite is back and I don't want to vomit everytime I eat or think about food but I still eat junk. Anyway, why would someone who has set an early deadline for herself be health conscious? It's just another thing to think about. 

Saturday night I slept around 5 am. I woke up 10 30 am. I was tired the whole day and yet, even as I surfed and scanned and watched these random things that barely sparked my interest, I didn't wanna sleep. I was hypnotized into thinking that I am more interested in these meaningless time killers than going into slumber. It just seemed like a drag and it seemed like a thing to do. I can't explain it. Even if I'm dead tired, I just need to have some form of entertainment as if sleeping is such a drag and I want to be pulled away from it. So I slept pretty late, Sunday. 

I woke up today around 830 am. I was pissed that I woke up early. Oh body and mind, would you cut me some slack? Finally I had escaped the mundane and brainwashing chains of my vicious cycle but my mind is too stubborn, too arrogant to let me enjoy a peaceful slumber. It was probably the heat. 

By lunch time, I could feel it. This aura of somnolence surrounding my immediate atmosphere. And then I fell asleep. This is what I really wanted to talk to you about. I forgot my dream except for one part. The most disturbing part and the part I wanted to forget, how ironic. After that disturbing dream, I feel like my mind entered a wormhole whose path goes straight from dream to night terror. Fuck. I can't quite remember the visual aspects of that very moment when I realized ok, here we go again -night terror. But I do remember the feeling. Basically, I remember just some vague flashes of light  and the fact that I'm lying down and trying to get up (over and over again). 

Everytime this happens, it's a cycle. I realized what's happening, I try to escape and I wake up...just to find out I'm not actually awake and again, I try to wake up...I do....but not really, and so on. It was sort of a violent night terror this time (and hey, it wasn't night!). I remember, I was trying not to panic, but then seconds later I was panicking. I was trying all sorts of ways to escape this like reaching, moving, keeping still, keeping calm, forcing my eyes to open. I remember I thought I forced my eyes to open. There was a cloth blocking my vision, I stood up like a motherfucking zombie because it was so hard to move. It was like trying to break out from paralysis with the rest of the world -with its space- resisting you. I opened the door and there were just people outside my room on a chair and what not. I shouted:

"WAKE ME UP! WAKE ME UP! JUST WAKE ME UP! .........JUST WAKE ME UP! THAT'S IT. WAKE ME UP."

It was the most vivid thing. The fact that makes these night terrors so terrible is how it feels so real. I wanted to escape that nightmare and I needed anyone to shake me out of it. Apparently, I was still asleep and so my eyes opened (again), or so I thought (again) and I was desperately gasping for air. I couldn't breathe and I sat up and I was panicking. At this point, I sound really redundant and you could just fill the in-betweens with your imagination going off of all the things I described to you. 

Basically, I just woke up for real and my chest was hurting and pounding. I was breathing forcefully because of it. Even though I was afraid -really afraid, I couldn't hold myself from slumber anymore. I fell back into dreamland, but without the dream.